Announcing "The Script"
*******************************Scene One******************************
Andy: But why did you stick the chicken behind the sofa?
Miles: I'm not sure maybe because it was looking at me funny.
Andy: But it's frozen how can it look at you funny it doesn't even have a head.
Miles: Yeah well it's the thought that counts.....
Andy: Well coming from you it don't count for much!
[slight pause]
Miles: Oi! If you must know I was trying to defrost it.
Andy: why?
Miles: coz you won't get no dinner if I don't.
Andy: I really don't think I want dinner after seeing that.
Miles: Why not it gives it flavour.
Andy: Flavour of what? Hmmm? Old shoe? Dog hairs! It really can't be Hygienic can it.
Miles: Well I'll lick it clean before I cook it!
Andy: I hope you don't always do that!
Miles: No only if I dropped it in the bin first.
[Very long pause] [Andrew seen vomiting in the background]
Andy: I think I'll eat out tonight, [pause] actually I think I'll eat out every night.
Miles: [to chicken] Looks like its just you and me tonight my little chickadee
[starts licking chicken].
******************************Scene Two*****************************
Scene: Pub that neither of them have been to before. Miles almost pulls.........a bloke. Miles and Andy sitting at a table in a corner
(btw, Steve is a bloke I just made up)
Andy: Are you sure this is the right place?
Miles: Yeah course.
Andy: I could have sworn one of the blokes touched my arse at the bar.
Miles: I'm not surprised, it's big enough. It's quite hard to miss.
Andy: Are you saying that I've got a big bum fish features? And cut your hair. You look like a girl.
Miles: Look. I was recommended this pub by a very good source.
Andy : Who?
Miles: Steve.
Andy : [shouts]Steve! [even louder]He's a screaming pansy!
[silence. everyone looks around at Andy]
Miles: [long pause].......................................Oh
[Andy starts banging head against table]
Bloke: Have you been to a harvester before?
Miles: No have you? I hear they do very good steaks.
[Andy smashes bottle against head]
Bloke: [looks at Andy]Isn't your 'friend' a bit nuts.
Andy: What was your first clue? [as miles gets nose stuck in a bottle neck and plays it like a nasal flute]. You should have seen what he did with a chicken yesterday.
[Bloke winces and leaves pretty sharpish] [Andy laughs]
Andy: Honestly you are a Pratt, this is a gay bar ..Stand up, walk quickly, be quiet and don't make eye contact...you'll only encourage them.
[Miles shouts b-bye and winks at the bar bloke, Andy slaps hand against face]
Miles: What?[outside]
Andy: Right. Run like buggery and don't look back. [Andy starts running, miles runs off, Andy stops and hails a taxi and leaves miles behind although he doesn't realise] Dumb ass.
Andy[Thinking]:I ought to recommend that bar to Hayden.
[sly chuckle]
****************************** Scene Three *******************************
Scene: High up, just started their new window cleaning job. leaning canary warf's windows. About half way down. Eating lunch................... well a three course meal.
Andy: This Chicken is a bit chewy..... it's a bit gritty as well did you drop it again?!?!?!?
Miles: Well yes, it fell onto that car there. It took me ages to get it back........... Well the car was driving to Liverpool.
Andy: What! When was this?
Miles: About an hour ago.
Andy: How long did it take to get back?
Miles: About an hour.
[Throws a plate over the side][Car crash in the distance]
Andy: I thought it took you a while to go to the toilet. Anyway never mind that, Did you bring the television with you.
Miles: No why?
Andy: You dumb fat ass, I'm going to miss Williams wish wellingtons now.
Miles: Ahh poor babby. Did Andy wandy miss his lickle kiddies programme
[Andy punches miles in the face, he falls overboard. Loud crunch.]
Andy: Blimey, are you alright?
Miles: Yep. The concrete broke my fall. Oooh, gum!
Andy: Are you sure its not your back that got broke?
Miles: No. I'm fine [collapses in a heap on the floor].
Andy: OK. I'm going down the pub. I'll be back in about an hour.
Miles: Just make sure it not that gay bar again. I don't want to have to call the fire dept to get you out of that tree again.
***************************Scene Four***************************
Scene: Andy is looking through the window of their house at the pouring rain.
Andy: God I'm bored. Why does nothing ever happen here?
Miles: Well just looking out of that window can't be very exciting! You've been standing there for hours!
Andy: Yes well I forgot that you'd just glued the window back together and I seem to be stuck!!!
Miles: Yes well you've only got you to blame!!
Andy: Me!! WHAT! It wasn't me who decided he was going to see of that frozen chicken could fly!!!!
Miles: Well it looked like it needed some freedom!
Andy: I wouldn't have minded, but you put my best jumper on it!!!
Miles: Well I didn't want it to get cold on it's long flight!
Andy: COLD!!! It was a frozen chicken....
Miles: I know, I didn't want it to catch hypothermia.
Andy: There is just no such thing as a sensible answer from you is there!
Miles: Only the great wise seachimp can answer that one.
[Andy looks at the camera in despair]
Andy: Erm ya okay! Anyway, enough of this stupidity...
Miles: Who was being stupid?
Andy: Could you help me get my face unstuck from this window?
Miles: Okay! I'll use this handy piece of wood as a lever!
[Miles pulls a plank of wood out from under the table]
Andy: Why do you keep that there?
Miles: In case of an emergency!
Andy: Like what?
[Miles looks at the camera]
Andy: Anyway this won't hurt will it?
Miles: I won't feel a thing!
[Miles pushes the plank between the window and Andy's face, suddenly a cracking noise is heard]
Andy: OUCH!!! I think you had better stop now.......Miles STOP DAMN YOU!
Miles: Pardon, sorry I got a bit carried away! This is just not working, I'll get the big plank.
[As Miles turns the plank hit Andy on the back of the head sending him flying through the window]
[Miles turn around again]
Miles: Oh where's he gone?? [Miles has a look out of the window]
Miles: Oh there you are! Yeah I think it's best if you just lay there for a moment. Possibly pick up a few of those teeth. I'm sure the dentist can put them back! [Door bell rings. Andy is standing there covered with cuts and grazes]
Miles: There now that didn't hurt much did it?
Andy: I have a large frozen object and you won't want to know where I'm going to STICK IT!!!!
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If you enjoyed this then more will follow!
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"The script"© is a product of Bertsoft and may not be used without prior permission from the writers.